2/26/2018

I opened my eyes. The room was cold and dark, yet I was drenched in sweat. I sat up, breathing heavily. I'd been having the dreams again. They quickly escaped my mind as I became more and more conscious of my surroundings. The sound of rain pittering on the roof; wind shuffling through tree branches; the soft hum of the heater spinning--they all filled my ears with the familiar sounds of night. It was so quiet, so serene, yet one panicked word flashed in my mind.

Canonica.

I had no idea what this meant. But it repeated like a broken record player in my head. The rest of the dream was a blur of unfamiliar faces, screams and flashes of light, but that word stuck with me. It was maddening, to so clearly hear a word in your mind, like someone whispering it right into your ear, and yet to have no idea what it meant.

Canonica. Canonica. Canonica.

I grabbed my phone, the screen lighting up to tell me the time. It was one in the morning. Again. I always woke up at one. Always in a cold sweat, always after the dream. What was the dream? I wasn't even sure. Every time I awoke, the dream slipped away again, forgotten. It was infuriating. Was something wrong with me?

I pulled up the blinds and looked out the foggy window. The soft rainfall soothed my anxious mind. Normally, I'd just go back to sleep, as I did every morning when the dream woke me up. But this time was different. I had to know what the word meant. I stood up, shuffled through the narrow doorway and sat down on the couch in the next room. My laptop sat on the table in front of me, and I tapped the mouse pad to wake it up. I opened a new tab and search for that blasted word: Canonica. Nothing. I grunted, standing up again, leaving my computer as I headed for the door. I stepped outside, locking the door quickly behind me. The winter air bit at my bare skin, but I didn't care. The freezing raindrops hitting my face felt intimate, like a wet hug just after leaving the swimming pool.

I gazed up at the starless night sky. One particular patch of cloud seemed vaguely brighter than the rest; I assumed this to be where the Moon was hiding. I sighed, wishing I could see its shining cratered surface, wishing I could ask its thoughts on my dream. But just like everyone else, it remained hidden from me, leaving me alone with my thoughts in the rain.

"Canonica...is what is real."